No Time for Make Up-even when you are "modeling"

This seems to the case in my life right now. Let's be honest; I never have been a big user of make up but most days I used to put on some mascara and foundation.

Since Eerika's birth, Sundays seem to be the only days when I get "prettied up". Ironically this was the case the day after Eerika's birth when the manager of the postpartum unit came to my room and asked if I would be willing to let photographer take pictures of us for their new marketing campaign for the women's services.

I said "sure" and then I was informed that the photographer would be there in 5 minutes. So I am wearing the hospital gown, which is appropriate. However, I hadn't brushed my hair or teeth yet and didn't have any make up on. So I quickly went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and braided my hair and hoped that I didn't stink:)

However, I am grateful for the pictures since we barely took any pictures at the hospital. I spent most of my time there by myself since Troy was at home taking care of Saku. Troy did leave the camera with me but accidentally took the memory card with him.

These are pictures of our first and last modeling experience.

One wonderful thing about being a mom is that my kids want to snuggle, play and love me no matter how I look. This will change, but for now, I can enjoy the days of wearing sweats, ponytails and chap stick being my beauty secret.

Roller Coaster of Emotions

I am sure that I felt like this after Saku was born so I am hoping that this wont last. I am talking about the roller coaster of emotions. I honestly feel bad for Troy for the fact that I am so up and down with my emotions. I don't quite feel like myself.

Within 24 hours (from 4 am to 4 am)

I felt

Scared as Eerika started to choke while she was still asleep next to me. Now we have a prescription for some medicine that hopefully will help

Terrified as I thought of how I could ever cope if something would happen to her ( it is never good to think about these kind of things in the middle of the night)

Frustrated as she woke up and was wide awake at 4 am

Grateful that Troy decided to get up and put her to sleep

Loved as Saku happened to come to bed with me and he wanted to hold my hand as we fell asleep

Accomplished after I made phone calls about Eerika's reflux and my hospital bill-I hate making "official" phone calls

In awe of how beautiful my daughter is as she would look into my eyes when she nursed

Bored since we haven't gotten out of the house very much this week

Content after I self-invited myself over to a friend's house and chatted with other moms for an hour while Saku played happily

Mentally exhausted when Troy came home around 5:30 pm

Like a mental wreck by 6 pm for no apparent reason

Well taken care of as Troy takes both kids with him to get us some dinner

Guilty as I felt relieved that I had a moment for myself

Relaxed as I read Hunger Games on the couch for an hour while the house was quiet

Re-charged when Troy and kids come home and I tell Troy that I'm ready to be a mom again

Happy as I read books to Saku and sang songs to him at bedtime

Helpless as Eerika cried because she barely cries, but when she does, nothing seems to help. I am hoping that the medication will solve this.

Worried about the possibility that maybe my emotions weren't normal and I should get checked for postpartum depression (again, not a good idea to evaluate your emotional stability in the middle of the night)

Beyond excited as I woke up 4 am and realized that Eerika had been sleeping since 10sh without waking up

How are you feeling today??

March-The Month to Celebrate Motherhood

Today I had to admit that having two little kids is kicking my butt.

Troy happened to call home when both of the kids were sleeping and then Eerika woke up after she had only slept for 30 minutes. I felt frustrated that my "alone" time was interrupted-not by Troy but by Eerika waking up.

So I went to get her and I nursed her and she fell asleep in my arms. Then the thought came to my head "if this(holding Eerika so she sleeps) the hardest thing I have to deal with right now, I am pretty lucky."

My kids need me for most of everything at the moment. They demand a lot of me physically and emotionally.

But there will be a time when they won't need me as much. There won't be a time when they don't want all of my kisses and hugs. There will be a time when I can't fix their problem or stop their tears with my love or chocolate milk.

So for the month of March, I will blog about motherhood. I will blog about the happy moments, the hard moments, the lessons I've learned, the good mom and bad mom moments.

During the month of March, I will celebrate and embrace my role as a mother. I hope this will remind me each day that I am blessed to be a mother.

Ode to Starla

Sadly enough, this is the only picture of my best friend and my daughter- my beautiful girls

There are friends. Then there are great friends. There are friends that you will have for the rest of your life and then there are friends who become your family. Starla fits into the last category.

Starla came to help me out for five days. I am not going to lie. I was little nervous about her visit. Not because it was her, but I tend to stress out about visitors and my 3-week postpartum body or brain wouldn't have handled extra stress too much. My worrying was so pointless.

One of the first things Starla told me that she was here to help and didn't need to be entertained. And that is exactly what she did. She cooked, baked and cleaned. She held Eerika so I could take longer showers. She would get Saku from his crib in the morning and turn on the TV so I could sleep in little longer and Saku wouldn't try to come and see me. She would get down on the floor and wrestle with Saku while I just sat on the couch and held Eerika.

She made me pump so she could take care of one feeding each night, which meant that I got to sleep 5-6 hours in a row. Oh it was heavenly.

Most importantly, she came here to show her love to me and my kids. It is amazing to feel that someone loves your kids. I don't get to experience this very often since my family is so far away. Starla was firm, yet loving with Saku. She held Eerika for hours and talked to her in loving voice.

She made me feel so good. She let me talk and talk and talk about anything and everything. It felt good to be open about everything and not worry about being judged. We laughed and joked around. We teased each other like we used to do when we lived together. We watched silly reality TV. We ate and we ate a lot. We just played with my kids and it was perfect. Our big adventures were the zoo and Walmart and our girls' night to Target and Michaels.

Having Starla with me gave me a glimpse of what it would be like to have my mom here. I bet my mom is grateful that I have Starla to take care of me when she can't be here.

After her visit, I have increased confidence in my ability to be a good mom and I feel our friendship strengthened. There is a feeling of happiness knowing that she knows more of my kids and can relate to my daily life more.

Thank you for taking care of me. I love you.

Everyone should have their own "Starla".

Beautiful

I have so much to say, yet I can't find the right words. Blogging seems to take too much valuable time and there isn't much "free" time at the moment. I haven't even finished Eerika's birth story because it just doesn't sound right to me. This may sound ridiculous but it was a very powerful event for me and I want it to be right, so one of these days I will actually finish it.

Isn't she just gorgeous?

Saku makes me SO happy or SO mad:) Yesterday was a very happy day. He was excited about going to nursery and he was in a great mood.

One thing I did not miss about newborns was all the song and dance it takes to get them to sleep. There are times when Eerika just falls asleep in my arms. This was the case yesterday during church and today she just fell asleep for both of her morning naps. However, there are times when I feel like I spend way too much time to get her to sleep. The issue of sleep brings anxiety and flashbacks when Saku had a really hard time with sleep. I do not want to be obsessed with it again:)

It makes me appreciate the fact that I can just put Saku in his crib and tell him "good night" and he goes to sleep. Unless he decides to put his leg through the crib slats and then I hear "lisaa aiti(more mom), saku stuck, saku stuck".

Actually having a newborn makes me appreciate Saku's independence in many ways. The fact that he can talk and tell me what's wrong. The fact that we can sort of reason with me.

How do you get your little babies to fall asleep?

Eerika Ann Grossarth

Our beautiful daughter got a name and a blessing today.

We decided to name her after our moms. Eerika is after my mom's middle name, which is Erika and Ann is Troy's mom's middle name.

The blessing was beautiful and touching. Troy's mom made a beautiful blessing dress for her with matching booties.

The day was relaxing and we got to spend it with family and close friends.

We feel very blessed.

We love you, Eerika.

Soul Searching

Sometimes your best qualities and your strengths can be your weaknesses. I work hard. I want to succeed in life. I want to be strong and capable. I want to be independent and take care of my house and family. I want to create beauty around me and feel beautiful. I want to feel physically strong and spiritually enriched.

Yet sometimes I don't know when to take a break or give myself a break. Sometimes I want to be too many things at the same time. And sometimes I just can't do it all.

Ironically, about a week after baby girl was born, I decided that I wanted get my house organized. I wanted to finally have a house where people could stop by at a minute's notice and I wouldn't have to worry about giving them an excuse for the mess in my kitchen or living room. I wanted to have a menu for the month so I didn't have to brainstorm about dinner each day.

I have been shopping with coupons for a year or so now and saved a great amount of money. And there seem to be so many good deals right now.

I am anxious to start working out again. Yes, I want to lose the 15 extra pounds that are sitting on my hips, waist and butt, but more so, I want to sweat and work hard to work off some of the stress of having two little children. I want to feel in charge of my own body and appreciate it.

I want to hold my baby girl so she can feel my love for her while showing Saku that he is still just as important to me as he was three weeks ago. I want to have meaningful interactions with my children rather than just surviving through the day. I pray that I can be patient with Saku and learn to how to balance love and discipline.

I want to look put together when Troy comes home. I want to be cheerful and happy so he is excited to come home to me and the kids. I want to cook meals that provided enjoyment and not just something to shove into your mouth.

My kitchen and bathrooms are looking great. But there are trains and cars on my living room floor and most days, my bed doesn't get made until 3 pm. I ran a mile on Tuesday. It was so slow that I wasn't out of breath or didn't sweat, but I ran a mile. I haven't worn make up for days, but I won't be wearing PJs when Troy gets home tonight. It is only 1 pm, but I haven't lost my temper or gotten frustrated when Saku whines or baby girl doesn't want to fall asleep. I will make a grocery run because I just can't pass up almost free food, but I won't worry about every good deal.

I probably won't be winning the woman of the year contest, but I am doing my best.

And fortunately, I am blessed with amazing people around me. People who call me to ask if they could bring us a dinner or if they could take Saku for a day. Instead of just doing the usual "is there anything I can do for you", they just do something for us. I am humbled, grateful and so appreciative that I have friends who are looking out for us.

And most importantly, I have Troy. He picks me up when I fall down. He holds the baby so I can get an extra hour or two of sleep. He lets me cry when I need a good cry. He grabs my butt and tells me I'm beautiful even when I have rolls where they don't belong.

So maybe not a woman of the year, but greatly blessed woman.