What About Me?

It's Friday afternoon and the house is quiet. Eerika is sleeping and Saku is watching Baby Einstein The house is way too hot for my liking and it adds to my anxious feeling. Since Eerika has been sick since Saturday night, I haven't had too much sleep which obviously means that I am more tired than usual. And the "usual" state is already being tired since I haven't gotten more than six hours in a row for three months now. The weather has really warmed up, which means that it is hot! This makes it very difficult for me to go running when Troy gets home since I am already tired and it just feels way too hot. Plus when I go running in the evening, dinner and bed time just seems to rushed.

Until our trip to Utah, I had been working out very consistently and I felt great. Yes, it was so nice to see few pounds come off, but more so, I felt strong and happy. I was doing something for myself. When I ran a fast 3 mile run and finished without slowing down, I felt powerful. I haven't run since a hill workout that I did on Saturday morning. This is making me feel nasty and lazy and "fat". Yes, I know that I just had a baby and I can't expect to look fabulous, but I want to feel good in my own body. I keep reading running blogs and my magazines and I want to feel strong and fast and not exhausted. Or I want to feel exhausted because I ran 5 miles, not just because I got through another day.

I'm happy that we were able to go to Utah, but let's be honest, often a vacation is not that much of a vacation for a mom. You still do all the same stuff that you would do at home except you are at someone else's house or hotel which means that you need to worry about something breaking or your kid being bored because there are no toys and you are sharing a room with your kid, which is not my cup of tea. I am NOT ungrateful for the chance to see family, but the trip left me exhausted.

I felt have more frustrated and annoyed in the last week than in a very long time. Even when I was trying to adjust to having two kids, I was just overwhelmed, but not frustrated. I keep having this feeling of "what about me" and while it might sound so selfish, I can't shake off the feeling. I know that is my role as a mother is to take care of my kids and as a wife, I need to take care of the house and be supportive of Troy.

Let me be clear though. I wouldn't want to do anything else than being a mom to Saku and Eerika. I don't want to be working full time or even part time. I firmly believe and feel that what I'm doing right now is the most important thing and I am willing to make sacrifices to be a good mom to them. However, if I am burned out, I can't be the mom that I want and need to be. What do you do when you start feeling the burn out?And I obviously I am not the wife of the year when I feel like this.

I am not unhappy. Actually at this moment, I feel very content. It is Friday and Troy is coming home soon. He got a nice raise, which never hurts. I enjoyed fun few hours of chatting with friends this morning as we ate breakfast together and our kids tore my house apart:) I took Saku to Target to play with toys and he actually even got one to take home with him. I smile when I think of Eerika nursing at night and how she sleepily eats and cuddles me. Or how she giggled for the first time few days ago. I love how Saku demands a kiss from me when he gets even a small "owie" . I love to see how fast Saku is learning and the things that he says.

I just need to find a way to give myself some time that doesn't involve anyone else's need or want.

Love Her

Multiple times a day I think how blessed I am to be Eerika's mother. She is the perfect antidote to Saku's craziness and terrible twos. She is my little piece of Heaven here on Earth. I know she will reach those terrible twos eventually, but for now, she is just so sweet. The last three months have gone so quickly.

Prior to our trip to Utah, she had advanced to "one feeding" a night schedule. She would nurse for 5-10 minutes and go right back to sleep. I was in Heaven. Now she is sick (stuffy nose and a cough) and I was up three times last night with her. Of course, we are traveling to Finland next week so who knows what will happen to all of our sleeping schedules.

She is so long that she fits 3-6 months clothes perfectly length wise while being baggy and wears size 2 diapers. She takes 1.5-2 hour naps and one short nap in the evening. She goes to sleep between 7-8 pm and wakes up around 7 am.

I am her favorite person. Most of the time, she doesn't mind if strangers are holding her but there are times when only mom will do. Constantly, people point at her or stop me and say "what a cute baby". My favorite is when it is in Spanish. It must be her big blue eyes and how alert she is.

She likes boys. On the plane, she kept looking at this teenage boy and cooing and smiling at him. He thought she was pretty cute too and winked at her. I thought it was hilarious. She also likes to watch Saku and there are times when she is really entertained by him.

If you look at this picture very closely, you can see the incredibly long eyelashes that she has.

I love putting Eerika in outfits that aren't pink.

Eerika's Easter outfit

Mio described Eerika as "a chill baby". He actually said "I'm surprised how chill she is". I think he was referring to lack of chillness when it comes to Saku.

Mio is helping Eerika smile.

We bought a double stroller attachment to our stroller so now I don't have to carry Eerika each time we go somewhere.

She always sleeps on her tummy and falls asleep on her own. We use a swaddle blanket so she looks like a burrito a lot. As we flew to Utah over the weekend, I was little worried if she would fall asleep in my arms since she isn't the cuddle type. She does fall asleep when you hold her against your body vertically and you walk around, which obviously wasn't an option in the plane. Fortunately, she did fall asleep and slept during both flights.

She likes to sit up while being held and look around. She is fine with being left by herself for 10 minutes or so and then wants your attention again.

I am grateful for her calm personality because Saku is such a tornado both physically and emotionally. This just proves to me that Heavenly Father gives us these little children in His order and wisdom because he knows what we can handle and how things will work the best.

Easter

We took a quick four day trip to Utah. On our way there, we took separate flights because my flight was free and there weren't any "reward seats" on Troy's flight. As Troy landed in Vegas, Saku threw up all over him. Troy got a little body rub from the flight attendant as she tried to clean him up with some club soda. He still smelled terrible until he finally got shower that night.

And as I landed in Salt Lake City, Eerika had a blowout so I had nice poo stains on my pants. I took her pants off and she was only wearing a onesie as we walked through the Salt Lake City airport. It is safe to say that people thought I was a completely incompetent mother as I was not keeping my baby warm. One lady even semi-yelled at me "wrap her up" to which I responded "there is poo everywhere and I need to go and change her". While I can see why people worried about my mothering skills, it still made me very annoyed. Eerika got changed and wrapped up in warm blanket before we exited the airport.

We spent two days in Provo and two days in Park City. It was nice to spend Easter with Troy and my family as well as meet Mio's fiancee Bailey and her family.

If a trip could be described in two words, the words for this trip would be food and driving. We ate so much food over the four days. And unfortunately, we had to do some driving between Provo, Salt Lake City and Park City. Eerika hates the car seat with passion so the car rides were little stressful. On Sunday, we did an Easter lunch with Bailey's family and dinner with Troy's family+Starla.

We also hiked the Y. I carried Eerika all the way. Troy, dad and Mio took turns with Saku. Saku had no fear as he was running down the mountain while squealing with pure joy. Troy and dad went skiing on Monday at Snowbird.

Uncle Mio giving Saku some love.

Saku absolutely loved playing with Makayla.

Makayla 5 and 1/2 years old and Saku 22 months

Saku enjoyed his first Easter egg hunt. I will freely admit that I ate most of his candy.

Makayla was happy to help Saku find eggs that he didn't notice.

The cute couple! While Mio might resent this, it was cute to see how in love he was and how happy they are together.

As you can see, Saku is quite captured by our iPad and iPhone. We bought some puzzle apps and he has mastered them. They are pretty much the only thing that can hold his attention for good 30 minutes or so.

I got to see Starla on Friday and Sunday. We didn't really get to spend quality time together, but it just proved to me that she is one heck of a friend to just hang out with me and witness the slight chaos that I call my life. Starla does such a good job with my kids. She even brought snacks when we went out to dinner.

This is a classic face from Eerika when you talk to her.

As we celebrated Easter, I thought about my mom and how grateful I am for our Savior's sacrifice. The knowledge that He died for us and was resurrected bring such comfort to me because I know that my mom is not just a dead body on the ground but that her spirit lives and one day, she will be united to her body.

Too Clever For His Momma

On Wednesday night, Troy suggested that I do the "supernanny" when putting Saku to bed. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I was the enforcer or he knew what to expect, but he thought it was a fun game to get out of bed and have mom put him back in there. I probably put him back in bed 20 times. There was no crying or fighting, just giggling.

Earlier that evening, I had run 4.2 miles (the longest run since Eerika was born) and I was very tired. I was sitting on the floor and had laid my head on my arms as I waited for Saku to settle down. I had been sitting like this for 5 minutes and hadn't heard a peep from Saku. Suddenly I heard snoring. I thought "sweet, he finally fell asleep and I can get up from this uncomfortable position".Few minutes later I looked up and there was a little boy sitting on the floor right across from me.

Saku had slowly lowered himself on the floor next to the bed while doing a fake snore. He must have been so careful to be quiet that I had not noticed a thing. When he realized that I had spotted him, he let out the happiest little giggle.

While I would prefer that he would just stay in bed, I have to say that he is one clever boy. Plus wouldn't life be boring if our kids would always behave appropriately and obey perfectly?

A little piece of perfection

Eerika hates baths, which is fine with me since I hate doing baths for little babies. We took showers with Saku when he was a baby and we do the same thing with her. Troy got a chance to take one with her the other day.

She has also found her hands and likes to chew on them when she isn't swaddled.

Quote of the Day

Today I had three things on my to do list.

1. mop the kitchen floor

2. email two (unnamed) people

3. listen to one conference talk. I chose to listen to this one by Lynn G. Robbins.

"A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself. With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you? "

Lynn G. Robbins, Of the Seventy

I am not saying that either one of my children is a child who tests my patience constantly, but I am learning more and more about how much more I need to be patient. Saku is starting to do things to get a reaction out of me and I need to learn to control the way I react so I can be a good example to him. Also I need to learn how to help Saku be more obedient and listen to me more. Eerika is obviously completely innocent, but it can test my patience when I can't figure out why she is not sleeping well at times or why she is not her usual happy baby. And let's be honest, I need to learn to be more obedient and willing to do what Heavenly Father wants me to do.

The Supernanny Experiment

I know that I don’t post too often on here, and I frequently refer to this blog as Eevi’s, but I thought I could share the latest adventure around our house.

Just before Eerika was born, we got Saku a “big boy” bed. Thanks to the hard work of my mother and Eevi, we were able to paint it to match the room and get it setup in time for the blessing. For a couple of weeks after it was set up, every night Saku would ask if he could sleep in the “iso nukku” (big sleep). I didn’t feel like dealing with the hassle of him getting out every 30 seconds and asking for something, so I would just tell him no. So, about a month and a half ago, I decided one night while Eevi was gone that I was going to try and transition him. Well, about 2 hours later, and 30 something bedroom door openings, I gave up and put him back in the crib.

As our trip to Finland is drawing near, and Eerika is out growing her bassinet, Eevi and I have been discussing the idea of trying again to transition Saku to the big bed. So, last Friday night I decided to give it another try. This time I did a little research and found that the Supernanny method was the supposed way to go.

For those of you who are unfamiliar, the Supernanny method has two execution styles: one for older kids where you leave the room, and one where you stay in the room, away from them with your head down, for younger kids who might have separation anxiety. To do the Supernanny method you first perform your normal nightly routine and place them in bed. The first time they get out of bed, you simply say, “it is time to go to bed,” and place them in their bed without making eye contact. The second time they get out of bed you now say “bedtime,” and place them in their bed without making eye contact. For every other time they get out of bed, you don’t say anything and place them in their bed without making eye contact.

Now being all studied up and ready to go, I decided to do the little kid style and stay in the room. The first night was amazing. We put Saku to bed and I closed the door and sat down on the floor. Not more than 10 seconds passed and Saku got out of his bed and headed to the door. I don’t think he knew that I was there (it is pitch black in his room), because when I stuck my arm out and grabbed him, he was a little startled. He cried for about 30 seconds when I placed him back in bed and then he promptly fell asleep. In the morning, when he woke up, he went to the door, cracked it enough to peek one eye out and yelled, “lisää maito” (more milk). “WOW! Supernanny is a miracle worker,” is all I could think. His nap on Saturday played out the same way.

Saturday night wasn’t quite as smooth. After putting Saku down, I sat across the room from him and put my head down. Saku layed there for a couple of minutes, and then he climbed out of bed. So I promptly put him back in and told him “it is time to go to bed.” Saku wasn’t too happy but he was submissive. A couple of minutes later I hear him starting to call out for his “tutti” (pacifier). He had somehow lost it and was calling for it like it might answer back. This went on for about 2 minutes, and then he remembered that I was in the room and that I could help him. So instead of calling for his pacifier, he starts saying “isi, isi, isi, isi, …” (daddy). He is saying it over and over in a soft voice like he knows that I am there, but just not paying attention. Man was my heart breaking. I kept thinking, “this is a legitimate reason to respond. The poor boy needs his pacifier and his dependable dad is just ignoring him.” Well, I stuck to my guns and by some divine miracle he found his pacifier and went to sleep. Not quite as smooth as the first night, but still not too bad. That was until about 4:50 am when Saku is crying in the hallway “Saku tippu” (Saku drop). Saku is a “tosser and turner,” and I this meant that he fell out of his bed! So, feeling like an irresponsible parent I went and laid with him in bed. That was a mistake because neither of us went back to sleep. Despite the challenges with Saturday night, Sunday nap was just as easy as the day before.

Well, on Sunday night Saku was starting to figure out how things worked and he decided to test the waters a bit. After we put him down, he got out of bed a couple of minutes later. This repeated two more times with lots of asking for “äiti” (mom), “mehu” (juice), and “maito” (milk). So things calm down for a couple of minutes and then Saku starts talking to himself and saying things like, “lisää äiti? Ei” (more mom? No), ”lisää maito? Ei” (more milk? No), “lisää mehu? Ei” (more juice? No). The next thing I hear him saying is “no, no, No, NO, NO!” Now he is leaning over the edge of the bed and calling out to me. While doing this he drops his pacifier and starts calling out for it. Unsure of what he should do, he slowly slides off the bed, reaches down on the floor calling for the pacifier, and then quickly climbs back into bed. My thought was, “ah! He is learning.” A couple of minutes go by and he decides that the dropped pacifier is worse than the wrath of dad and decides to get out of bed. I was actually kind of wishing for this so that I would have an excuse to give him his pacifier. He laid there for a couple of minutes and then I hear him singing “Jesus wants me for a sun beam.” I had to use all of my will power to keep myself from cracking up! He tested me one more time, and then I put him back and he fell asleep….. until he fell out of bed again at 1 am.

Tonight though has shown that the Supernanny experiment has paid off. When we put him to bed tonight I left the room. He came out about 2 minutes later and I promptly put him back and left the room again. This time he stayed and fell asleep.

For those of you who have children where putting them to bed is a nightmare, I suggest you try Supernanny. I know that I am totally hooked!

I ain't getting any younger

I am 26 years old. It doesn't feel old or young. It honestly seems like a funny number to me. It is sort of an in between age. Nothing exciting, yet nothing too dramatic when it comes to aging. However, my special day was very good. I share this day with two fantastic people: my dad and Saku's sweet girl friend Lyla. Dad and I talked on the phone in the morning and the conversation started with "hey dad, how are you? happy birthday" "i'm good. happy birthday to you, too". Also I read a fantastic running blog at mile posts and her birthday is on the 11th as well. Maybe our shared birthday and the fact that I read her blog daily will help me become faster:)

As a birthday present, I got to sleep until 7:15 when Saku came to wake me up with "happy birthday aiti". We ate delicious raspberry sour cream pancakes as a family and then Troy went to work. In the morning, we attended Lyla's birthday party, which had a fun bug theme. Saku wasn't convinced that it was OK to eat gummy worms that were part of the delicious mud cake. He ended up shoveling real dirt with his spoon and throwing it on his cake since the kids were eating on the patio. I loved that Saku got to play with other kids and I got to hang out with few of my favorite friends. I also got to hold Eerika as she slept. This may sound weird, but while we are home, I feel like she should sleep in her bassinet and I should either play with Saku or get stuff done, so play dates give me a perfect excuse to just hold her while she sleeps. Both of the kids were exhausted after the party and fell asleep in the car.

While the kids slept, I worked out for 30 minutes (P90X work out of plyometrics) and took a nice long shower. These are the little luxuries for a mother.

In the evening, Camille watched the kids while Troy and I went to the Melting Pot. We had the cheddar cheese fondue and Banana Foster, which had white chocolate, cinnamon and bananas. I don't know if there is anything better than dipping things into chocolate.

While the day was pretty low key, it was perfect for me. The phone calls, text messages and facebook messages made me feel loved. Eerika rolled over two consecutive times from her tummy to her back. Saku went to bed without any fighting, which meant that Troy and I got to enjoy few hours of kid free time in the evening. I tried to get him to give me a 26 minute foot massage, but he said it was too long. Troy got me a book by Kara Goucher called Kara Goucher's Running for Women: From First Steps to Marathons, which I'm so excited to read.

My 26th year will be awesome. I am determined to make it so. I might just try to run a marathon (26.2 miles) to celebrate my 26th year. :) Anyone want to join me as my training buddy?

Monsters

Saku is obsessed with the dark. He loves to point out to rooms that are dark or pictures that are black. Without exaggerating, I think I hear the word dark about 50 times a day. Fortunately, he doesn't seem to mind the fact that he has to sleep in a dark room, but he will not walk into a room if the lights are off and it is really dark in there. He has also learned the concept of monsters. Fortunately, again, he doesn't associate dark and monsters together so our nap and bed times don't include checking for monsters yet. He loves to pretend to be a monster and also likes to say "cranky monster".

Saku is a complete copy cat nowadays. Whatever we say, he repeats. He has also learned his friends' names and often asks for them. Yesterday when he woke up from his nap. I told him that Cameron was coming over to play. About 10 minutes later, we heard a knock on the door and I asked who was at the door. Saku answered "Cameron".

Another type of monster came by last night. Also sometimes we refer to her as Eevi or aiti. I guess the two mornings with 5 o'clock wake up time got to me and when Eerika woke up randomly at 11:30 pm and wouldn't settle down, the monster came out. I was just angry and worried because I was supposed to work the following night and while I pretty much mastered the art of not sleeping for 36+ hours in a row, when I worked every week, I have no desire to do it again. So Troy took Eerika to the front bed room and took care of her ALL NIGHT. So I slept from 1-6 am this morning while he didn't get any sleep because she wasn't feeling well and wouldn't sleep unless Troy held her in a certain way. Around 6 am, Eerika started to throw up and kept throwing up for the next few hours. Right now, she is happily talking to me and has nursed well, so I think she is over whatever was causing the vomiting.

I am so blessed to be married to a man who truly loves me. He could tell that I wouldn't be able to handle a sleepless night so he took over. He probably also saw the crazy look in my eyes and his self preservation mode kicked in and he figured that a sleepless night would be safer than a crazy wife. In all seriousness, I need to remember and recognize what a blessing it to have a husband who would do anything for me and our children. So tonight, I will take care of him so he can rest and relax. And isn't that what marriage is about: taking care of each other.

I won't be going to work tonight because I felt that it wasn't good for our family. While Troy would be willing to take care of Eerika tonight, I felt that it wasn't fair for him nor would it help our family to have happy and good days over the weekend. And no extra money is worth having a sleep deprived, "cranky monster" family.

SO PRETTY

To Give or Not to Give

The subject of pacifiers can be controversial in the parenting community. There is advice to not give it too early because it can confuse the baby if the baby is nursing. Then there is advice when to wean the kid off from it. There is the advice to not use pacifier as a sleeping aid because then the baby depends on it.

Saku has always loved his pacifier or "tutti". He still uses it for naps and bed time and if he is super upset or hurt. I won't lie, I love the fact that it helps him so much and he can put the pacifier in his mouth on his own.

Eerika didn't take one for the first three or four weeks. Then she finally wanted it and now she uses it for sleeping. If she is upset, the pacifier doesn't do much for her. At first, we loved the fact that she took a pacifier. We could just swaddle her and put her in the bassinet and she would be asleep within seconds. I am not joking. However, then 10 minutes goes by and she drops the pacifier and wakes up. Sometimes this happens once per nap and sometimes multiple times. While it can be frustrating for me, mostly I feel bad for her for the fact that she falls asleep and then is rudely woken up.

So since it is always easier to give advice to other people's problems, I want to know what YOU think I should do. If your baby did need a pacifier to sleep, how did you deal with it?

At 10 weeks, we still aren't sleeping through the night. Eerika's sleep really isn't a huge issue on most nights except for the fact that last two days she has wanted to start her day around 5 am. That makes it a very long day for me.

Typically she falls asleep between 7 or 8 pm.

Most nights I do a "dream feed" around 10 pm. (I'm not convinced that this is helping her sleep longer)

She wakes up between 1:30 or 2

She wakes up around 5 for another feed.

Wakes up around 7 am for the day and I feed her

She weights 11 lbs and 3 oz so she is a lot smaller than Saku was at 2 months so I think she can't really go through the whole night without a feeding.

I have done a lot of "soul searching" and tried to figure out if I am doing something that is not conducive to her sleeping during the night.

I have to admit that the idea of not sleeping makes me slightly hysterical because I have flashbacks of Saku getting up every 1-2 hours from the age 2 months to 4 months. So I am grateful that she sleeps a lot more and I am not exhausted, just tired:)

So all of you, even the ones who usually don't comment, give me your words of wisdom.

Eerika is long and lean, but she does have few awesome rolls on her thighs.