I have been given much

I have been thinking about gratitude a lot. I guess you can say that I have been thinking a lot lately. I have thought about what I want from my life. I have wondered what Heavenly Father wants for me and of course, for our family.  I have tried to figure out why I want the things that I want. What my motives are and if they are good ones.  I have thought about the people who I want to be friends with. I have wondered about the friendships that I feel like I am missing. I have wondered about who might need a friend. 

Today I am grateful for many things.

 I am grateful for the job that I have. I worked last night and each time I end my shift, I remember how much I love being a nurse and how much I love doing something for other people while I learn and grow as a person. I am grateful for the people that I work with. Since I don't work very much, I am frequently asking questions and they patiently answer them. I am grateful that I have so much flexibility with the job. 

I am grateful for Troy. He knows me so well. He ordered a box full of candy for me last week. The shipping was way too much, but he knew what comfort a good piece of candy and chocolate would give me.  The comfort and security of our marriage is priceless. 

I am grateful for Saku and Eerika. They are so big and yet so little. They require so much of me and I feel like I am mentally and emotionally stretched very thin, but they give me so much. They give me an unconditional love. Saku shows his faith and reminds me of the importance of our Heavenly Father constantly. 

I am grateful for the people around me. We were so well taken care of last week with dinners and pies and people just checking in. If I ever feel lonely, I just need to remember the amount of love and service that has surrounded us lately.

I am grateful for my health and my body. This hasn't been the most spectacular year. I collapsed at the marathon in February. I passed out at the temple in April.  We lost a baby in June and then again last week. I have extra weight from the last 6 months of being pregnant and not being pregnant and waiting to be pregnant. However, I am healthy. I get to run and while it is hard right now to run few miles and I long for that strong marathon body that I had a year ago, I am grateful for that fact that my body works so well. I don't have pain. My job is such a reminder of the difficulties that people go through and the huge blessing that a healthy body is. 

I am grateful for my testimony. I am grateful for the knowledge that families are forever. I am grateful that I can teach my kids that and with their purity, they can remind me of it while I feel sad or angry. I am grateful how easy it is to feel the Holy Ghost when I make an effort to feel it and surround myself with good things.  I am grateful that I know that Christ is my Savior and while I often feel like I am not doing enough, I have realized that I know of the truthfulness of the gospel and I don't have to doubt myself.

I am grateful that it is almost December. I have many plans to make the month a fun and meaningful time for our family. This time always reminds me of my mom and I hope to feel her around me more as I celebrate the Christmas time.

I am grateful for the fantastic insurance that we have and the absolutely best doctor that I could ask for. I am grateful for our home. I truly love it. I am grateful that it is cold outside. I am grateful for Troy's parents and their love for us. It is so nice to come to their house and feel so well taken care of. I am grateful for my dad. I am grateful for Anna, Mio and Aino and the relationship that we have together.  I am grateful for my iPhone and its ability to keep me connected to my family. 

A sick day turned into a fun day

Saku had a very persistent cough for days  and since there was a whooping cough epidemic in our local elementary school. 

Because of the cough, he had to wear a mask. Saku is a not a fan of things that restrict him, even socks bother him most of the time. However, he was very good about wearing the mask for the entire 45 minutes that we waited to be seen. Yes, we had an appointment that was scheduled 30 minutes before we arrived for the appointment and somehow we still waited for so long.  

We saw the doctor and  she said that he most likely had a minor sinus infection and minor ear infection. We left with a prescription for an antibiotic in case his ears kept bothering him. We never had to use the prescription. Saku was so good about doing what the doctor asked him and answered her questions clearly. 

I had warned Saku that he might get a shot. He is not up to date on his vaccinations and I wondered if they would give him one. Well, he didn't get a shot but we still celebrated his bravery and enjoyed a lunch at Bruegger's Bagels and an ice cream treat at Baskin & Robins.

Eerika skipped her nap that day. Instead, the kids played nicely together for an hour or so. I decided that we should get out of the house so we went for a walk. Within 20 minutes, the both kids were asleep. I ended up walking for an hour and a half, which was a very relaxing.  

"Can I do my dishes?"

This past week Saku has found a new hobby: washing the dishes. 

It is pretty fun to see him enjoy taking care of his things. 

"Äiti, I will do service for you since you did service outside and now you are tired."

Grieving

Grief is such a monster. It comes and goes when it wants to. No one else can see it. It makes you feel lonely. It makes you feel angry. It makes you feel sad. It makes you feel guilty for feeling so much negative things when you have so much to be grateful for. And then it just lets you feel normal for a moment. And then you feel guilty for not being sad. You wonder if there is something wrong with you when you not constantly grieving for your loss. 

How do you grieve for something you didn't really get to have? When my mom died, it was a concrete loss. I didn't have a mom on earth anymore. I could think of all the memories and all the things that I would miss about her. I could think of all of the events that she would miss in the future and mourn them. And I still mourn them. The loss has lost its sharp edge, but it is not gone. It is a frequent reminder of the things, the relationship that I don't get to have with her in this life.

I think of the babies that we don't get to raise in this life. The first loss didn't hit so hard. It was earlier in the pregnancy and we got another chance of being pregnant soon. I had few days of feeling hopelessness and wondering if I could have more kids.  Since the first ultrasound showed no heart beat, I never got to become so attached to the baby. 

This time around, we had two healthy ultrasounds. I saw the baby's little leg kick around. And then I went for the third check up and there wasn't any movement. Just the silhouette of the little dead baby. 

You are just filled with unbelief. You know exactly what to expect when you go to the hospital. The nurses feel terrible for you as they realize that you have been there frequently for the exact same thing. You just wondering if this will become a pattern. You know it is part of a greater plan and you believe in it with all your heart, but why couldn't I have these babies. 

Now I have two dates of when I was supposed to be a mother again. First in January and then in May. 

I still look pregnant. Obviously not huge because I wasn't that far long but I look pregnant.

I have these two beautiful children at home. I am so grateful for them. I am trying to focus on them instead of worrying so much about the future children. 

The Silver lining

I have the most amazing doctor. Her kindness is beyond any professional requirement. 

We have a great insurance that covers everything. I mean everything.

I have friends who bring dinners over so I didn't have to cook for three days.

I have friends who bring pies over because I casually mentioned that I wanted an apple pie. 

I have a husband who spent unmentionable amount of money to buy and ship Finnish candy for me.

I have a son who reminds me that he loves Heavenly Father and who prays for me.

I have a healthy body so I can attempt to get back in shape. 

I have family who check on me and grieve with me.

I have a testimony of the plan of Happiness. It softens the pain.

I have a deepened empathy and appreciation for the struggles that we go through. 

Sweet request and sweet commands on my behalf

"Thank you for äiti's forehead"

Eerika meant to ask to bless my head ache.

Good thing Heavenly Father knows what we are in need of.

Saku also takes care of me.

"Äiti, get back in bed. You need your rest".

Ninja Attacks while Fairy Princess Flutters

October was a fun month. Sometimes it almost feel too full with all the activities, but we were still excited for the trick or treating night. 

I happen to read this article about big chocolate companies and the child slavery that goes into making the chocolate, so I couldn't really enjoy my chocolate like I usually do. 

I am not much of a person who has many causes but I didn't feel good about buying from those companies so we just had candy that wasn't chocolate. 

I still ate the snickers and milky ways from my kids' bags and loved them...so maybe I am a bit hypocritical. 

Back to the cute children. We walked up the street and met many generous people. We spent some time at the Dyer's house while the kids played and watched Monsters University. 

Eerika and I started November 1st with some candy. That is just how we are. 

Ready to go!

 These pictures don't do justice to Saku's amazing ninja costume. Grandma made it, of course. He had his katana, a real ninja sword, that Troy had brought from Korea. 

Eerika's costume was more low key. She has had this dress almost for a year but since she isn't much of a princess dress up kind of girl, she has barely worn it. Well it made a perfect costume with the wings and a wand from Aino for her 2nd birthday.

"We are Beautiful"

On Sunday morning I asked Eerika to tell Troy what we are. She said "we are beautiful".  Troy got little concerned that we were focusing on Eerika's beauty.  We had discussed before, we didn't want to praise for being beautiful because we didn't want that to define her. However, Eerika was talking about us being beautiful. Yes she was promoting her äiti. 

I went to Time Out for Women this weekend and one of the singers of Mercy River talked about the importance of our daughters hearing us, as their moms, talk about our beauty and not criticize our bodies. 

This is something that I decided few months ago. After spending weeks in Finland, mostly surrounded by strange women on the playgrounds and in the city I was delighted of the variety of body shapes, sizes and beauty that I saw. It was liberating to not worry about how I looked as I wouldn't see these people again. 

I decided to not let looks define who I was. For years I  have hoped to be a certain size and even if I was the certain size, I was worried about gaining weight and not being that size again.  Even in my "perfect body" days of being 20 and flat stomach, I just couldn't appreciate my body. So we got back from Finland and I put away my scale. Ironically enough, I gained few pounds in Finland. And while it was a bit frustrating and I did worry a little that people would notice, I still decided to not let it be my focus. 

I worked out. I was healthy and I decided to be grateful for my body, with all of its imperfections. I would make little comments to Eerika such as "we are cute, aren't we?" as we were getting ready. I would tell her that she was beautiful when she was wearing mismatching pjs and a crazy bed hair. 

And after this weekend, I am more committed to learning to be an example to Eerika and other girls and even women around me that we are beautiful because the Heavenly Father created us to be beautiful. Our beauty is not dependent on our size, perfect skin or the perfect outfit. I am committed that I won't say unkind things about my body.

I want Eerika to grow up as a confident girl who loves herself and understands that she is beautiful and yet it isn't the most important thing. 

Gratitude for the Humor that Kids Bring

This morning I told Eerika that she and isi looked cute. She laughed and said "boys dont look cute". I asked her what boys look like and she answered "they look awesome".

Both of the kids are sick so we cuddled up on the couch and watched some Jake and the Never Land Pirates. I was trying to multitask by checking my emails on the iPad. 

Saku sternly said to be "you have to pay attention. Don't even look at the iPad".

Gratitude for where we are now

I often like to plan our future and I used to think "life will be easier when my kids a bit older". Well, maybe I have arrived there. I am so kidding. Life isn't easy. I am tired and wishing that I could take a nap every day, but I am grateful for this stage in our lives.

The kids are in fun ages. Today we played a modified version of Ticket to Ride with them. I can have pretty reasonable conversations with my kids. We get to sleep through the night on most nights. More often that not, I can turn a temper tantrum around and have a sensible solution to whatever our problem was. Yesterday they played outside together for an hour and a half without any fighting or crying. It was heavenly. 

This stage wont last forever and it is not supposed to, but I am grateful for these days.

Taking care of the pony. Also she chased some ducks but they weren't too thrilled with the game. Fortunately, she did not get attacked by them.

Enjoying the petting zoo

Miss E was obsessed with catching chicken and probably caught about 20. No chickens were harmed during her mission though.

Gratitude for the Gospel Of Jesus Christ

Today I got to go to Relief Society at church. It was so nice to sit among adult women and feel the spirit. Since I have been in the nursery with the 18 months-2 1/2 year olds since June of last year, it was refreshing to sit through a lesson and feel inspired and feel the promptings of the Holy Ghost on how to change my life and more importantly of Heavenly Father's love for me. 

Also this morning we watched the special broadcast about scouting's 100th year anniversary and they talked about President Monson. I felt very grateful to know that he is a prophet of God. I felt very grateful to know how the Holy Ghost works and inspires and touches our hearts. 

I am grateful for my testimony of Jesus Christ. I am grateful for what I have learned throughout the years and how the gospel of Jesus Christ has abled me to change. I am grateful that I can teach my children about God and His love for us. 

Troy's Work Life

I write about the kids and I write about myself. Troy doesn't get as much space here. So I figured I would write few things about him.

He works. He works hard. But he loves his job and his company takes a good care of him.

Today was the annual company golf tournament. He had a great time and it looks like the view wasn't too bad either. Plus he looks great in the golf pants that I got him for his birthday.

In August Troy flew to Korea for few days. Somehow my meals in the airplane never look like this. 

And it is safe to say that he wasn't entirely miserable when he went skiing in Japan. 

Gratitude Starts Now

After a month of fun activities, I feel like it is time to shift gears. In November I want to focus on the things that I am blessed with, the things I have learned and people that I am grateful for. 

This week has been a busy one. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I had to attend a computer training for a new system that my hospital will be using as of today. It was only four hours each day, BUT the training was almost an hour away and it meant that someone had to watch Saku and Eerika.

I have a hard time leaving my kids with other people. Maybe it stems from the fact that they used to be really upset when I left them. Maybe I feel guilty because I am working rather than being with them. Who knows. Troy wishes it wasn't so. 

I asked Brittny to watch them for one day and my plan was to find someone else for each day. That way it wasn't too much on anyone. I don't think my kids are difficult to watch, but it can take up a lot of energy to watch someone else's kids.  However, she offered to watch them all three days. 

On Monday I dropped them off. And they loved it. In fact each day when Troy or I would pick them up, they were sad! It was unheard of. They had so much fun playing with Avery and doing whatever Brittny had them do. 

While I do love the loud, happy "äiti" cheering that I usually get, it was such a blessing to know that my kids were so happy while I was gone. 

Today I am grateful for the community that we have here in Corona. People are so willing to serve each other. I am surrounded by people who are great example of unselfishness and charity. This is something I struggle with so I hope to be able to learn to be more giving of my time and energy to other people.