I'm not talking about not stealing, cheating or lying; I'm talking about truly expressing my thoughts as they are and making an account of my life as it is. I started my second blog as an outlet for my "true" feelings, yet maintaining two blogs is just too much right now and even there I felt like I unconsciously edited things I wanted to say.
It is true that there is a certain satisfaction when people agree and comment on your thoughts. It feels good to be validated. And mostly, I know who my audience is (hah, makes it sound like my blog is somehow popular,which it isn't) and what they think. I can say with 100% sincerity that I don't attempt to portray my life as a picture perfect family life nor do I feel like I have more trials than others. Yet I wish I could really make my blog feel and sound like me. I don't want to offend anyone, yet if you know me and I write something that you don't agree with, I would hope that you would know me well enough to not be offended.
So here is few attempts on more honesty about me and my life.
I need some "Eevi" time. At the moment, I take care of Saku and Troy and the house and when I go to work, I take care of my patients. It is rewarding and so worth it, but I feel burned out.I know that when Troy reads this, he will feel guilty and that is not the purpose of this. He knows all of this, but for two more weeks, he can't help much because he is so swamped with his responsibilities. Because this is all so exhausting, whatever "alone" time I have, I usually end up trying to catch up with sleep. I need some quiet time, few good books and movies, good food and good laughs with friends.
Last few weeks of this pregnancy have been really hard on me. I get lots of pains and aches. I hate to complain to Troy, but it has been tough on me to be hurting. Baby girls moves around well so I am not worried about her. I am also slightly anemic, which adds to my exhaustion. I am not running anymore. Thanksgiving day marked my last 1 mile run and I think I'm done until she comes out.
I am blessed with many wonderful friends, yet at times, I feel alone and lonely. This feeling quickly fades away as I meet up with a friend. In high school, I hung out with my friends every day. During college, I lived with my friends. Nowadays, I don't have a friend who I talked to on daily basis or hang out all the time. I don't know if it is a social pressure that makes me feel like I should have someone like that. I don't aspire to be popular nor need a play date every day, yet sometimes I wonder if people miss hanging out with me.
The other night I was talking to a co-worker about my mom and she asked me what my mom was like. I explained how much mom loved life and how people liked her so much. She quickly responded "just like you". She isn't a close friend and happens to be a very honest and straight forward person. I made me happy to think that I have that quality that I so miss and admired about my mom.
I really like my job, yet I hate how tired I am at the end of the night. The other night a doctor thanked me for all the helped during the day. No offense to any doctors or doctor's wives, but they don't show appreciation too often, so I was impressed and obviously flattered by her saying "Thank you so much for all of your help". I love how I feel after successfully completing a procedure or noticing that something isn't right and getting it fixed. I often feel like I should apologize for the fact that I enjoy my job and working. Some people might think that I have to work and feel bad for me and I have to remind them that I am up all night and day by choice. I can't wait to only work once in a while because my body simply can't take this kind of schedule. Yet I am truly grateful for my education and what it allows me to do. Working has also blessed me with a new group of friends and an opportunity to share the gospel little by little.
As I read my thoughts, it kind of makes me sound sad, which I am not. I am very happy, but I have my struggles.
Do you feel like you are able to honestly portray your life? Do you prefer to just talk about the nice and fun things? Everyone has their own motive for blogging and I'm curious to know what you want your blog to be like.
13 comments:
Eevi-
I loved this post. I love hearing about a person's true feelings. I sometimes feel the same way about my blog. I worry about offending people or hurting feelings so I don't write certain things that are on my mind which is sad since I want my blog to mainly be a journal for me.
As for work, a few months left! I'm not going to lie about feeling a little jealous when I read about you going per diem (but being so excited for you at the same time). You put in your time and totally deserve it.
I also would like some me time and I don't work like you do! I've been watching another girl during the day so at the end of the day, I'm exhausted.
I've been wondering about you and running lately...I need to just call you so we can catch up.
Eevi,
I have missed a few posts, so I'll just write all of my comments on this one. I love the family pictures, I think the goofy silly ones are the best kind! And the one of just you and Saku is precious! I'm glad he's talking a bit more now. It takes longer when learning two languages, but he'll catch on really quickly and be ahead of a lot of his peers later in life. I can't believe someone actually thought your sister was your daughter. People are so stupid sometimes! I also think that it's great that you express yourself. It's your blog and you should feel like you can write on it any way you want. If people don't like a particular post, they don't have to read it. I can't believe you are still working though, I can barely keep up with just being a stay at home mom! Pregnancy makes me so tired! She'll be here before you know it though, so hang in there!
I have been feeling like this recently as well. I was in the middle of school when Gabe was born and so I never got to finish. Every time I consider going back, I feel guilty like I shouldn't even consider it because of all the things I have to take care of and how I need to be there for Gabe. I really want to finish school just for myself. I have been devoting my entire life to being a mom and a wife but selfishly I want some ME time as well. I am joining a soccer league in the spring and I'm really excited about it! Something for just me.
I also feel the same way about my friend status. I have great friends but they can't be around me 24-7 like I would want and that leads me to feeling lonely. I hate feeling like I'm needy or clingy so I don't make as much of an effort to reach out to my friends here in town. I need to be better! Don't feel lonely, I always want to hang out! :)
This was a great post, Eevi. Sometimes I wonder how you do it all!
Eevia [beast]
Yes and yes.
Yes- think about you almost daily and miss hanging out with you. Not a day passes that I don't long for room 511 or wish we lived next door to each other.
Yes- I find it hard to express my feelings in my blog. Remember how I used to and then my roommate accused me of threatening her. Lol. That's why I don't really blog... Because blogging the things I do seems lame. I'm single and I work. Most of my married friends don't truly care about me anymore because they have "more important" and apparently noteworthy lives than me. And the people who truly love me call me and already know what's going on in my life. I wish I could blog as an outlet- a sort of online memoir, but I can't.
I remember going back to work after Alexis was born and feeling the same way. I worked until she was 18 months old... and that was quite enough for me. It IS hard and you are not alone in those feelings. I don't have a job outsite the house and I still get that burned out, wannna' just hang with friends feeling.
As far as "honest blogging"... It is one of the reasons I stopped blog surfing. I couldn't handle all the butterflies and fairies everyone blogged about. It seemed no one ever had trials and lived almost a "too perfect" life. I began thinking there was something wrong with me for not always cooking the perfect meal, and raising the perfect children. I enjoy the honesty...and I think it is good for others (including our children) see us struggle and have real emotions. Thanks for sharing... now I can go burn a meal and send my children to time out and know that I'm not alone. :)
This is probably the first time I've read your blog (I just came across it), but I wanted to respond. To answer your last question, Yes! I do feel like I have to talk about nice and happy events in my life (which are great!) but lately I've been wanting to blog about other things on my mind, but like you I'm afraid of offending someone because of my opinions. It made me happy to read this today. Thank you for being honest!
Eevi - LOVE you! I've been thinking we need to plan a day at the zoo and hang out. How are you feeling these days?
Anyway, I've been wanting to blog all about life and this awful pregnancy, but I'm just too lazy...and TIRED! I don't know how you've worked full time with this pregnancy. You're amazing!
I think you should throw caution to the wind and just blog your opinions! It is, after all, your blog! AND you have great opinions! :)
Hang in there and LOVED the family pics! So cute!
I don't have any long-term purpose for my blog. I'm pretty cautious with "the real me" and keep a separate journal for myself, where I'm honest about everything. Someday one of my kids will find it and be shocked, I'm sure! I agree that people should be more honest about what's really going on in their lives but for me, that's something I have a hard time sharing with a more public audience. At the same time, it feels refreshing to hear some honesty on other blogs. It helps us stay connected when we are short on time and can't spend the time with friends that we'd like to and have a heartfelt conversation. It's funny, I feel like you're one of my closest friends and I'll bet a lot of the people reading your blog feel the same way. You definitely have that same quality as your mom.
(visitor from Chelsea's blog)
I sometimes feel like I can't be honest on my blog because of what readers might think of me. And sometimes I don't want people to know that I'm struggling with something. As far as the friends thing go, I totally get you on that one. I was telling my sister the other day that I don't think I'll ever have any close friends that I'll hang out with ever again. (If my sister lived close by we'd hang out.) Sad thought.
Hey Eevi, I know what you mean on the lonely aspect, i feel like that sometimes too. I think it comes with being far from family, no matter how awesome my support group is here. And as for my blog, my main motivation for keeping it is as a journal/record keeper, it is very useful when I am scrapbooking I look back and take excerpts and dates and details from it for my scrapbook (i forget things so quickly). And of course to keep friends and family in the loop on our lives. Keep on keepin on, you handle everything wonderfully!
I don't even need to answer your questions because you know I never lay it out there unless it is real and raw. I'm just so abrasive in that way! ;) Anyway, I think you are amazing and I admire the way you think things through and aim to keep a balanced and happy life. We love your family and really respect you and Troy alot. I wish doctors were more appreciative because any one who's been a patient knows how hard nurses work. You're great Eevi, in every way. xoxo
i love this post because whoever asked about your mom is very perceptive- you are REALLY so much like her and continue to become more and more like her:) also...i miss you hanging out with u!
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