Hard to be honest

I'm not talking about not stealing, cheating or lying; I'm talking about truly expressing my thoughts as they are and making an account of my life as it is. I started my second blog as an outlet for my "true" feelings, yet maintaining two blogs is just too much right now and even there I felt like I unconsciously edited things I wanted to say.

It is true that there is a certain satisfaction when people agree and comment on your thoughts. It feels good to be validated. And mostly, I know who my audience is (hah, makes it sound like my blog is somehow popular,which it isn't) and what they think. I can say with 100% sincerity that I don't attempt to portray my life as a picture perfect family life nor do I feel like I have more trials than others. Yet I wish I could really make my blog feel and sound like me. I don't want to offend anyone, yet if you know me and I write something that you don't agree with, I would hope that you would know me well enough to not be offended.

So here is few attempts on more honesty about me and my life.

I need some "Eevi" time. At the moment, I take care of Saku and Troy and the house and when I go to work, I take care of my patients. It is rewarding and so worth it, but I feel burned out.I know that when Troy reads this, he will feel guilty and that is not the purpose of this. He knows all of this, but for two more weeks, he can't help much because he is so swamped with his responsibilities. Because this is all so exhausting, whatever "alone" time I have, I usually end up trying to catch up with sleep. I need some quiet time, few good books and movies, good food and good laughs with friends.

Last few weeks of this pregnancy have been really hard on me. I get lots of pains and aches. I hate to complain to Troy, but it has been tough on me to be hurting. Baby girls moves around well so I am not worried about her. I am also slightly anemic, which adds to my exhaustion. I am not running anymore. Thanksgiving day marked my last 1 mile run and I think I'm done until she comes out.

I am blessed with many wonderful friends, yet at times, I feel alone and lonely. This feeling quickly fades away as I meet up with a friend. In high school, I hung out with my friends every day. During college, I lived with my friends. Nowadays, I don't have a friend who I talked to on daily basis or hang out all the time. I don't know if it is a social pressure that makes me feel like I should have someone like that. I don't aspire to be popular nor need a play date every day, yet sometimes I wonder if people miss hanging out with me.

The other night I was talking to a co-worker about my mom and she asked me what my mom was like. I explained how much mom loved life and how people liked her so much. She quickly responded "just like you". She isn't a close friend and happens to be a very honest and straight forward person. I made me happy to think that I have that quality that I so miss and admired about my mom.

I really like my job, yet I hate how tired I am at the end of the night. The other night a doctor thanked me for all the helped during the day. No offense to any doctors or doctor's wives, but they don't show appreciation too often, so I was impressed and obviously flattered by her saying "Thank you so much for all of your help". I love how I feel after successfully completing a procedure or noticing that something isn't right and getting it fixed. I often feel like I should apologize for the fact that I enjoy my job and working. Some people might think that I have to work and feel bad for me and I have to remind them that I am up all night and day by choice. I can't wait to only work once in a while because my body simply can't take this kind of schedule. Yet I am truly grateful for my education and what it allows me to do. Working has also blessed me with a new group of friends and an opportunity to share the gospel little by little.

As I read my thoughts, it kind of makes me sound sad, which I am not. I am very happy, but I have my struggles.

Do you feel like you are able to honestly portray your life? Do you prefer to just talk about the nice and fun things? Everyone has their own motive for blogging and I'm curious to know what you want your blog to be like.

The Season of Love

I cannot believe that it is December. I love Christmas season. It is my favorite time of the year. I'm sure I've said this before, but my mom made Christmas magical each year so I am trying to do the same in my own home. We already have our Christmas decorations up and this year will be the first year with our own Christmas tree. Since Troy and I firmly believe in real trees over plastic ones, we don't have one yet, but I am excited to go and pick one up and decorate it. It will be interesting see how the tree and decorations will handle Saku's exploring:)

On Sunday we took some family pictures. As cute as my child is, he wouldn't make a good child model since he refuses to smile to the camera 99% time. We probably took close to 100 pictures and only few of them actually turned out. Saku wasn't to be blamed for all the "bad ones". Somehow I have adopted this retarded smile and made bunch of the pictures look stupid.

Mom, dad and the baby girl in the belly. I can't believe she will be here in 8 weeks (give or take).

One somewhat successful family picture.

We have spent the last few days cuddling each other a lot. Saku has a terrible, absolutely painful diaper rash that hurts so badly that poor kid can't sit or even walk well at times. So we have cuddled on the couch as Saku lays on me.

Saku loves hiding behind us as we go "where is Saku?" and then he jumps around to show himself.

This little boy was in heaven as he got to run around for an hour outside. Even the cold weather didn't slow him down.

Saku doesn't smile on command; however, it doesn't mean that he doesn't smile. He loves being silly and playing with us, so some of the best happy faces are when we goofed around.

I love the fact that it is finally cold and I can drink hot chocolate to warm myself up in the mornings. We still haven't turned on the heater. Saku gets the space heater for his room, so his room is nice and cozy. In fact, Troy ended up getting dressed there after his shower because he was so cold. I have noticed that I don't have enough warm clothes for Saku. Does anyone else seem to have this issue with their kids? I forget that the weather does get chilly enough to require warm clothes.

Happy December 1st!

The Power of Words

Saku has finally started to say words. Because he is our first one, Troy and I can't get enough of him repeating words we say or using them. He definitely doesn't have an extensive vocabulary, but we enjoy the progress that he makes daily.

Saku calls out for "äiti" all the time. Saku has never used the word mom or he doesn't even really make the connection between the word mom and me since we have always used the Finnish word as a reference to me.

When I go out of the room, the word "äiti" echoes in the house and he asks for me when I'm not home in the morning when he wakes up and I'm at work.

His favorite word is "ajaa", which means drive. He asks for that about 25 times a day and we go to the garage several times a day and he gets to play in the cars.

He is also using "joo joo", which means "yes", quite a bit. This helps us to know if he wants something.

Not only is Saku saying words, he translates them. We asked him to say "ei" which means "no" in Finnish. He never ever says "ei"; instead he says "no". Same thing with the word apple. When we ask him to say it in finnish, "omena", he says "apple". Not too bad for a 17 month old.

While Saku's words are just full of fun and joy, I have encountered some rather interesting people in the last few weeks.

Aino and I went to Chik-fil-a for lunch while she was here. A sweet woman commented how adorable Saku was. I was happy to receive a compliment about my wild child when she continued "and don't worry, you will lose those pounds in no time". Hmmm...I really thought I was obviously pregnant and wouldn't be confused for a post-baby rolls. While I wanted to let her know that I was 29 weeks pregnant with my second one, I didn't want to embarrass her so I just thanked her and waited for my peppermint milkshake, which would surely help with these extra pounds.

A few days later, Aino and I decided to go and get a manicure. The nail tech asked if Aino was my daughter. Say WHAT??? People tend to think that I am 19, not that I have a 19 year old daughter. So funny.

After a crazy shopping trip at Frys, I was waiting for Troy at the door when an elderly man passed me and exclaimed "wow you are so pregnant, how much longer?" When I informed him that I had to wait until the end of January, he seemed so shocked and sorry for me.

A good reminder to watch out for things that come out of my mouth as well:)

Reasons to be Happy and Thankful

This fall, we have been on a survival mode to say the least. Troy's school and work schedule has left me feeling like a single(working) mom and Troy is getting less and less sleep each week. On top of this, Saku has entered the stage in toddlerhood of knowing what he wants and wanting it NOW. And when he doesn't get his way, he lets you know.

When I got pregnant, Saku was only 11 months and he was really easy. Fast forward six months and he is quite the handful, so it will be interesting to see how we will handle two kids. I still think he is the best little thing that has ever happened to me, but he does demand a lot.

Tonight, I am feeling great and thankful.

Maybe it's because...

the end of semester is only 4 weeks away and I will get my husband back as he graduates December 18th.

I got to enjoy my youngest sister for two weeks. I got to know her better and appreciate and love her more.

She is truly a babe!

The fact that no matter how many temper tantrums and time outs take place during the day, this handsome face melts my heart each time.

I slept 12 hours last night. Yep, I went to bed at 9 pm and woke up at 9 am. It wasn't all continuous since Saku woke up TWICE crying hysterically. I'm wondering if he has nightmares or night terrors. Does anyone have experience with this?

I spent all afternoon with Camry and Rachel as we were sewing as much as our three little toddlers allowed us to. Camry is one of my favorite people and I loved getting a chance to get to know Rachel better. Plus their amazing sewing skills helped me as I started some Christmas projects.

Good news about my job situation. I get to change to a per diem position after baby girl arrives. This means that I am required to work once in 30 days, which is practically nothing. I am so excited to be able to keep up my skills while staying home with my kids. This was the goal that I had in mind when I decided to go to work this past year, yet I wasn't sure if it would happen so soon. I always felt strongly that I was supposed to be with this unit and work under this manager and they have been so supportive and flexible with me. So every once in a while, I will put on my scrubs, take care of my patients and use my brain in a non-mommy way and rest of the time, I get to do what I love the most, be a mom.

What is making you happy this week?

Oh how I wish you were closer

Aino,

Thanks for coming to stay with us for the last two weeks.

We sure love you and appreciate your help.

Saku will miss having his play buddy around all the time and mom will miss those extra few minutes of sleep when you helped out with Saku.

Mostly, we will miss your smile and laughter.

Cant wait to see what happens this spring!

Love,

Saku, sistah and Troy

"Are you a little bit pregnant"

This baby girl's pregnancy obviously has not been documented as well as Saku's was. I am 27 weeks and 6 days along. The baby girl never, ever stops moving. Each night as we sleep and Troy cuddles me, he is amazed at all the rocking and rolling that's going on in my belly. He keeps asking me how I am able to sleep at all.

There are few things that seem different this time around.

I could eat sweets all day long. I crave donuts, candy, cookies and the list goes on. It is really hard for me to stay away from them and all the Holiday sweets don't make it any easier.

I am still running few times a week. Last Saturday I actually ran almost 3 miles. I didn't have my watch with me so I'm not sure how fast I was going, but I think it was around 10:30-11 minute/mile.

With my first pregnancy, I got so excited about each doctor's appointment because it meant that I was that much closer to my due date. This time around, I wish there weren't so many.

I am obviously more tired since I work nights and have a toddler at home. There have been few nights when I have started to feel dizzy and really weak around 5 am. I guess I am prepared for the sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn.

Baby girl at almost 28 weeks

I think my belly is about the same size with this pregnancy as it was with Saku. During my first pregnancy, I got lots of comments about how big my belly was and until this week, people kept saying how tiny I was. However, on Monday night my co-workers said that my belly really had popped out since last week. Most of my patients love talking about the baby and how I'm doing. A 81 year old, sweet little man requested that I sent him a birth announcement.

I have to say, this week I am feeling fat. Until now, I have felt really good about my weight gain and how I look, but this week has been little bit of an emotional struggle. I am also tired of maternity clothes. I am too cheap to buy a huge selection, so I recycle through the same shirts week after week. While I can't wait to deliver the baby and have my body back, I am not looking forward to that stage where you are just floppy and jiggle rather than pregnant or skinny.

I have a small collection of baby girl clothes and I am so excited about her arrival. I feel like I need to start preparing for the birth again. I am excited and nervous at the same time about how things will play out this time around. I am praying and wishing that I won't have back labor again.

I cannot think of any girl names that seem right for her. So this baby might not have a name for a while and we are keeping it to ourselves like we did with Saku, which isn't hard when you don't have one.

Goodbyes and Hellos

Since we will be a family of four in few months, we decided that it was time to get a bigger car. We bought our own first car three years ago and absolutely loved the little Scion Xa. While it worked beautifully for two people and we learned to pack it efficiently once Saku joined us, it just wasn't going to be a big enough car for two car seats and all the extra stuff that comes with kids. We do have our second car; however, we don't feel like it is reliable enough for longer drives.

So a week ago, we sold our Scion to a young couple who fell in love with it like we had few years before.

We had been doing research on possible SUVs and looking at prices for months now. We even spent 4 hours at a dealership two weekends ago, but we lucky enough to find a private party who were selling their Chevy Traverse. I have to admit that I feel slightly spoiled to drive this nice car. It is way big for us now. We obviously dont need a 8 passenger SUV; however, we figured that we would buy a nice, big car now and drive it for the next 10+ years. By then we will hopefully have more kiddos to fill the seats. Though at the moment, I feel like two kids will be enough for few years:)

Saku enjoys being higher up so he can see more of the road. I am still trying to adjust to the fact that my car is twice as wide and twice as long as the old one. Troy drove it to work the other morning and when I called him, he said "I have bad news for you, you'll have to drive the Mazda from now on, I just love the Traverse". It feels good to be happy with our decision after spending a lot of money on car. You know me, I am such a frugal woman, so it took me few days to get over the fact that we had spent that much money on a car, but I love it and I love the color.

The old owners didn't wash the car before we bought it. On Monday morning after our morning run, we decided to do little scrubbing on it.

Saku loves helping and cleaning, so he was more than happy to play with sponges. After he got tired of cleaning and wanted to run to the street, we put him inside the car and let him "drive" while we finished washing the car.

Yes, Aino was lucky to come on a vacation and get recruited for baby sitting and house chores right away.

Infiniti G35 used to be my "dream car", but I have to say that I am perfectly happy with the Traverse. While cars are mostly for boys, do you have a car that you really like?