Real Talk

I have been feeling down. I have felt emotionally exhausted. I haven't felt like myself for the past week. I have been tired after 8-9 hours of sleep. 

There are few possibilities for this situation

1. Life is hard. Life with young kids can be really hard.

2. I am training hard and maybe need to eat more nutritiously. Plus training can be stressful. 

3. While Troy is recovering remarkably well, the past month hasn't been easy.

4. My new birth control

5. Working a night shift, even if only every once a while, adds to the craziness of life.

6. Life is hard. 

Really, it probably is all of the above. 

Today I am doing a lot better. You know what helped. I ended up canceling a girls night to see Hunger Games that was supposed to happen last night. Troy let me sleep six hours (!!) after my night shift while the kids had amazing time with their isi at the zoo. We had left overs for dinner.  I ran for 1 hour and 15 minutes (around our block in the dark) but the pace was a lot slower than my usual pace.  Troy and I spent a relaxing evening together. 

So basically I let myself off the hook and didn't demand so much of myself. 

And it was much needed.

Thanks to Grandma, both of the kids sported festive St Patrick's day outfits last Saturday. 

training

So I am finally doing what I have been dreaming and hoping to do for multiple years; I am training for a marathon. And let me tell you that it is a lot of work. And I have barely just started. I am still thrilled to be doing this. 

This morning my alarm was supposed to go off at 6 am so I could go and do some speed work; however, I ended up waking up at 5:58 on my own and turned off the alarm. I felt like I had been run over my semi truck. My body was just stiff and hurting and I was exhausted. And I slept until 7 am. When Saku woke up and I decided to have a cute moment while reading books in bed with him. 

I ended up doing my work out during Eerika's nap time while netflixs entertained Saku.  I wanted to vomit after the work out-it totally kicked my trash. 

But you know what is completely awesome. I have a coach who is making up training plans for me. And they are top notch plans. I am accountable to someone. Someone, other than just Troy, knows what I'm supposed to be doing and knows if I don't do it. So when I got home last night at 9:30, I had to jump on the treadmill and run two easy miles, though we all know that no matter how easy a run is, it is never really easy. Especially on a treadmill.

12.5 weeks to go-excited and scared at the same time but isn't that how most of the amazing things in life makes us feel?

From Raytheon to Rincon Research

Troy switched jobs in July. He had finished his master's degree the previous December and after five years at Raytheon, he was starting to itch for a change. We were sort of hoping to move away from Tucson and looked at different options, including Finland. However, Troy's friend (thank you Lars) emailed Troy about an opening at Rincon Research Corporation and Troy applied to it. He wasn't that interested in the job before the interview, but figured that it wouldn't hurt to interview and brush up on his interview skills.

Well, he came home from the interview and really wanted to the job. Fortunately, Rincon liked him as well and he got the job. Troy had really enjoyed his job and the people at Raytheon so he was nervous to leave. What if he would end up hating this new company and his job?

Over the past eight months, it has been clear that it was a right choice for Troy. 

Some of the perks of a smaller (150sh peole vs thousands) are free water and soda at the office, green bagels on St. Patrick's Day, random doughnut days,  amazing Christmas party and fun company outings.

And after Troy's hospitalization, the biggest blessing of all, so far, is the fact that our insurance covers everything.  No co-pay or deductibles. I cannot believe it, but I am grateful for it.

Posing at our first Rincon Christmas party. We are already looking forward to this years' party because it is about the only time that we get to dress up and eat fancy, delicious food. 

I love this man but the black curly hair was kind of creepy!

I think I could pull off this new look...

Okay, maybe I should say that the biggest blessing is that Troy loves his job and the people he works with.  Because we all know that working at a job that you don't enjoy can really suck the life out of you and an unhappy husband could really suck the life out of me--and if I'm not happy--well let's not even go there;)

Blessings amidst challenges

We are still on a survival mode.  It might be as long as six to 12 months before Troy is back to 100%. 

However, we are so blessed. And while I am not trying to portray a falsely (or annoyingly) positive attitude and cheerfulness, I am grateful for many things. 

I rarely get a full night sleep in a row. I do not have a little baby in the house, but there is something that is waking up the kids consistently. Except for last night, I had a beautiful 8 hours of sleep that was only broken by Saku climbing into our bed at some point. And since he just silently climbed between Troy and I, I was awake for mere seconds and back to my deep sleep. Oh it feels so good to sleep enough to feel rested.  So when I stirred at 6 am this morning, I was ready to get up for the day. 

I was able to run four times this week so far and after today's run, my weekly total will be 26 miles. I love how my body is responding to the training and feel quite hardcore. 

Lili sent a wonderful meal via Jason for Troy while he was buying his time in the emergency department. Lili's cooking  has the magic to make anyone feel better. 

On Sunday, I was able to drop off the kids to Brian and Alia's.  Saku loves loves love Cameron's toys and Cameron. Eerika was little outnumbered by the boys. One day she will appreciate the ratio and the attention she might get ;)

Beautiful Alia and cute kids

Out of the five days that Troy was at the hospital, the kids spent time at Camille's house on three days. Since Birch and Camille live only few miles away from the hospital and the kids do extremely well there, it was the perfect place to take the kids. I was able to visit Troy while the kids played happily. And on Tuesday, I even went to hang out there while we waited for Troy to get discharged and the kids just couldn't take anymore of the hospital. Simple thank you doesn't quite do the job to describe my gratitude for Birch and Camille's love and friendship for our family. 

Saku was in Heaven as he played big boy things with Trevor. 

Children getting muddy-it was cold and windy and they didn't care one bit. 

Yesterday Camry brought us dinner. When she asked if she could help us in any way, I asked if she could do dinner one day. I felt slightly selfish to add one more thing to her plate while I could really just cook dinner for us.  But it really was a huge help to just pop the pizza roll into the oven and eat it. Troy is now home; however, he is really too exhausted to do anything around the house. So I have to do pretty much everything on my own. I realize that there are many women who do things on regular basis, but it has a lot more energy out of me, so I was grateful for the little break. 

Last night was also the first night that Troy had somehow regular appetite so he enjoyed the pizza roll and brownies. I was happy to have my baby's appetite returning. 

Delicious pizza roll, thanks by sweet Camry. 

I also made some brownies. It was Friday night after all, and we had survived another week of Troy's sickness. Eerika and I had few bites BEFORE dinner:) That is just how the Grossarth girls do it.

Another sweet blessing was on Wednesday when Lindsay brought us dinner. She drove an hour to our house and brought some delicious soup, salad with homemade salad dressing, bread and the best chocolate chip cookies I've ever had. And she has a 8 week old baby at home. AND she is going to medical school. Yes quite the amazing woman she is. 

Yes, I feel quite humbled to know such amazing people.

Lunch Dates

Last week before Troy was admitted to the hospital, the kids and I had some fun lunch dates.

On Monday, I was crazy enough to take both the kids by myself to Sweet Tomatoes. We haven't eaten out too much this year in the name of frugality, but I really wanted their salad bar so we went there. I was hoping that Troy could meet us there as it is less than 1 mile away from his office. However, he had a pressing deadline and couldn't leave work, so I just had to wing it.

And for once in a life time, my kids were great. There was no craziness, no crying, no whining, no inappropriate loudness and embarrassing messes. Saku followed me nicely each time we went to get food from the buffet and the kids and I enjoyed a meal. I didn't eat as much as I normally would but it might have not been a bad deal. 

Thanks for a fun lunch date Mr. Saku

To make a regular day a little more fun, I decided to take the kids to the park and have a picnic.  Peanut butter and honey sandwiches, string cheese and juice was a hit. Plus Saku found some older boys to play with, which made him happy. 

Can you believe Eerika is old enough to sit and eat an sandwich?

While Troy was sick, it was hard to get motivated to cook dinner when he was either not hungry or he wasn't home due to hospitalization. However, the kids appreciated and enjoyed a simple spaghetti dinner.  

No idea why he is posing like this but it looks cute.

Eerika loves spaghetti and likes to try to feed herself. 

I love food and eating and it is fun to see the kids enjoy food as well. 

Troy in room 19

I think I am an empathic and caring person and I think I carry that personality trait to my profession as a nurse, but I know I will be much more empathic and have a greater understanding of the realities of being a patient and patient's family member after these past days.

Troy has been at the hospital since Thursday night. He spent 12+ hrs in the ED waiting for a room because it was more difficult to find a room that had negative pressure in it. This was necessary for the precautions for TB. We are pretty sure that he has Valley Fever, but the doctors have not ruled out TB all together. Tomorrow Troy gets to have a bronchoscopy and that should give a more definitive answer.  

Troy hasn't been feeling well for the past week and a half. He would have high fevers 103 or 102 and then they would go away. He was fatigued and barely had any appetite, but other than the fevers, it was nothing too major. Then he developed a cough, so he finally went to the urgent care. The diagnosis was  "nasal pharyngitis" due to dry air. Cough medicine and nasal decongestant was prescribed. The only "help" from the medicine was the crazy dreams and hallucinations that the cough syrup gave Troy.

The next day, he went to work and started having chest pains. Nothing helped it so he went back to Urgent Care. He said the magic word of "chest pain" and was seen immediately. No heart attack. Chest X ray was clear and doctor said that he probably had torn some cartilage from the forceful coughing. It was supposedly very painful. So he was prescribed some ibuprofen. 

The pain was excruciating for the next 12+ hrs. No tylenol or ibuprofen would touch it. We weren't sure what to do. It felt sort of weird to go to ED or back to urgent care for pain meds, but it seemed to be the only option when the urgent care called us back and informed that he had a cavity lesion on his left lung. It was most likely Valley Fever and we were advised to go to the ED.

So we drove to UMC ED and Troy was checked in quickly. The doctor initially seemed to blow us off as if we had already gotten the care that we needed. I was frustrated because his pain was so bad and they still kept only talking about the ibuprofen. The Valley Fever didn't even seem to raise any flags for her. Fortunately, Troy's heart rate was up and that seemed to alarm her so she decided to do a test for a blood clot. I say fortunately because I don't think we would have gotten the attention and testing needed if his heart rate would have been normal. Blood test for a clot came positive so they wanted to do a CT scan, which ended up showing the cavity lesion which is seen in Valley Fever and TB. 

Friday was miserable. Antibiotics and antifungals were running. Morphine was given and tons of blood test were ordered. Troy was still in lot of pain and very exhausted. His breathing was labored and everything took so much effort.  It was hard to see him like that. 

Saturday, he felt better and thanks to awesome nurses who came him as pain meds every 4 hrs (almost to the minute), he was a happy man. However, a simple facetime for 30 minutes would still wear him out and he would nap a lot. He was barely eating because it would take too much energy out of him. 

Today he showered and ate more than before. His breathing is much better. He also gave a doctor a piece of his mind when she was checking her iphone while rounding on Troy. My red rage is back and I am happy to see him returning. 

How are we doing? Eerika hasn't noticed really anything. Saku is more moody and sad at times. Today he told me that he was mad because isi left. He said that he  "didn't want to facetime or call, but wanted to meet him".  This just proves how perceptive and sensitive kids are to changes. Tonight he told Troy that he wants to see Troy at his house, not at the hospital.  He really misses his best friend isi but honestly, he has been so good. He has been excited about playing with different friends and I am grateful for that. 

I am doing fine. I am tired, more so emotionally than physically. It is exhausting to be the support person during times like this.  I feel very grateful for many things. First of all, there has been so much support from people around us. I love to know that my kids are in good hands when I'm at the hospital. It is nice to not have to cook dinner or eat chicken nuggets again for dinner. I'm grateful for my medical knowledge and the ability to ask right questions and find the answers to them. I am grateful for the priesthood and prayers. I am grateful for this man in room 19 who I love more than anything. 

Saku was scared of the IV machine and isi wearing a mask. We called it a super hero mask but he was still didn't want to stay too long. 

Saku did enjoy the elevator buttons at the hospital.

And Eerika liked the french frys from the cafeteria.

Eerika can't go and visit him because she won't keep a mask on. Saku was with Troy for 10 minutes or so. It will be nice once the TB isolation is over and we can spend more time as a family. 

Lazy night after an emotionally draining week

Saku:  "you are nice. You take good care of me" as we walk downstairs to get one last sip of drink before going to bed. 

Saku: "äiti, can you help? the trains are frustrating me"

Saku: "there are more nightmares"

Saku: "Eerika's kisses are not nice"

me: "why not?"

Saku: "they are wet"

Me: "Saku, you are going to Trevor's house today"

Saku: "YES! Trevor is a boy big and Saku is a big boy"

Saku: "who is Eerika going to play with?" as in she isn't a big boy and can't play with Trevor

Saku: "I want to make a deal." at 3 am when he wants some apple juice. No deal was made at that time.

No words from Eerika but she is starting to imitate animal sounds. While she isn't consistent with them, she has made the sounds for dog (though it is a silent bark like Saku's was at this age), cat, owl and a cow. And she sometimes pinches her nose to let you know that she is stinky. And she is so much fun...if she isn't scratching you!

Today Troy got his first dose of morphine. He is hospitalized to figure out why he has an abscess in his lung. He has been sick for a week and I am tired. I miss him. I really miss him. 

The book-mobile came today but we were too busy to go to the ED to enjoy it.

Also Camille watched the kids while I was with Troy at the hospital and Eerika didn't cry at all. That is a first. Eerika was perfectly content while Camille held her even when I was there. I love it.

I signed up to run the Utah Valley Marathon in June. I should be running right now as the kids are asleep but I am emotionally too drained. I know it is sort of pathetic but I just needed to write down things and take a night off from doing anything.