We pay good money to get these all important statistics

Since we did our well child check ups, I might as well put down the information. 

Saku at 4.5 years is 42 inches tall (54%) and weights 37 lbs and 13 oz (45%). Saku had actually gone up in his percentiles from 38% in height and 43% in weight from three year check up. 

Eerika at 3 years is 36.5 inches tall (40%) and weights 27 lbs and 10 oz(21%). Eerika had gone down from  93% in height and 29% in weight since two year check up. 

As a new mom, I was very fascinated by Saku's growth percentiles. Not so much anymore, but it is interesting see how their growth has changed in the past year. 

Eerika is three!!

Eerika turned three on Sunday.  I had accidentally scheduled myself for Saturday night and didn't get home before Eerika woke up. So we had to get creative with our tradition of waking up the birthday person with a song, breakfast and presents.

When I got home, I asked Eerika to get back in bed. We put donuts(from the hospital cafeteria) on a tray, got the presents and blasted out the birthday song while Eerika pretended to be sleeping. She did an absolutely fabulous job of pretending to be sleeping. She didn't "wake up" until the song was over. 

She was such a gracious gift receiver. "Thank you so much" was a phrase that she repeated over and over again. 

Saku was also very sweet about being excited for Eerika. It felt like a great morning of celebrating miss Eerika. 

Birthday girl with her awesome bed head and gifts wrapped in Christmas paper.

The birthday haul included puppy dogs, legos and a baby doll. 

She also took a short nap on the way to church.

Birthday lunch was mac-n-cheese, which seemed like a treat since we haven't had those foods around this month.

At church, people congratulated the birthday girl and she felt like a rock star.

In the evening, we had the Rawlings over for smores. Eerika was happy to have marshmallows and run around with Amber, Curtis and Catherine.

Troy and I tried a new type of smore with milkyway and it was delicious.

In Our Sunday Bests

We like to be relaxed in our house and I let the kids choose their outfits on most days.

On Sundays we try to look put together. 

I really should get contacts so you can see my eyes in the picture! 

I get a lot of compliments for this skirt. It was a spontaneous purchase last fall and I have loved it! 

You never know what sort of a smile this girl will give you.

I guess we weren't that put together as Eerika only had one shoe on...

My favorite two boys and Saku's impressive lego airplane.

Birthday parties are awesome!

Saku had his first big boy birthday party. He was so excited when I told him that he would go to a party where moms didn't stay with the boys. Transformer Ethan turned five and seven boys were invited to celebrate. 

In order to eliminate feelings of sadness for Eerika, I took her to the children's museum for a girls' date. 

It was nice to go there and be able to focus on one kid and her pretending rather than trying to keep up with two games/scenarios. 

We also enjoyed a nice lunch of hot dog and diet pepsi at Costco. Plus Eerika got to watch Cinderella while we drove. She LOVES movies and it made her day.

One birthday party is fun, but two is even better. We went to another party that night for Atticus and Tristan (twin boys turning 3). The kids ate delicious dinner of sub sandwiches, chips and fruit and two huge pieces of cake. 

Lunch by the dirt and dump trucks

Today we had a picnic by the construction site near our house. 

I did not come up with this fun idea. I copied my neighbor. The kids didn't care where the idea came from. They loved the chance to have lunch while watching dump trucks scoop dirt.

Peanut butter sandwich, an apple and ginger ale taste much better when you are in a new scenery. Plus it is so fun to open your lunch box to find the food in there.

Saku exclaimed "this is the best day of my life".

Eerika probably agreed until she decided to take her shoes off and stepped into a thorn that got stuck on her foot. She wailed all the way home...

When a piece of toast becomes a luxury

I am sitting here for few minutes while I assure that Saku is asleep before jumping on the treadmill and running for a while. I love running. Now that I feel like my body is mine again, I have enjoyed the challenge of running again. I put on one of my netflix shows and I am good to go. 

Memorable moments of the following week:

Saku can tie his shoes. He learned it in two days of practicing. And he does a good job with it.

Eerika protested having a babysitter take care of her on Saturday night and went to her room at 6 pm when we left on a date and never left the room. When we got home around 11 and I changed her into pjs, she woke up and was hungry. After a quick bite of yogurt, she went back to sleep.

I am not doing 100% paleo anymore. My big treat is a whole wheat toast in the morning. The other meals are still paleo approved but I couldn't wake up to another day of just eggs for breakfast. It just wasn't worth it.

Troy and I saw Hunger Games: Catching Fire and loved it.  It was fun to go to a movie and really enjoy it. Our theater candy was cough drops as we were both a bit sick. Nothing says romance as sharing a bag of throat lozenges. 

Troy is enjoying his road bike. He has attacked some the hills around our neighborhood. I love watching him be active and find it very attractive. 

We have tried the following new foods: spaghetti squash and making noodles out of zucchini. I find both of them enjoyable while they could never replace regular pasta. I should also say that I am a pretty proud of the fact that I have not had anything processed (except that whole wheat toast) for the past 20 days.


I ended up running 4 miles! And then went to bed without posting this.

Grief

Yesterday was the due date for our baby#3. I actually didn't realize it until we were driving home from taking family pictures. I was thinking of a friend who had a c section scheduled for today and then I realized (once again) that January 15th would have been the due date for me.

Because there was no heart beat at 9 weeks, we never knew what gender the baby was.

Two weeks ago, my amazing doctor called to give an update on the genetic testing that they did on the fetus#4. She said that it was a baby boy with no chromosomal abnormalities. When I told Saku that the baby had been a boy, he was beyond happy and said "now he can sleep in my room".  I had to remind him that the baby had gone to Heavenly Father and he would get to have a brother after we were resurrected. 

Eerika hopes for a girl so the baby can sleep in her room and Saku wants a boy. Actually Saku wants twins. And at this point, no matter how much work or how little sleep it would mean, having twins sounds like a pretty amazing deal for me. 

I don't want a baby just for myself. I want Saku and Eerika have a sibling. I don't want to explain again that "the baby went to Heavenly Father". 

Yesterday I also went to get some blood drawn to see if there is a reason why I miscarried so late with the last pregnancy. I want answers but I don't because that would mean that something really was wrong. 

Today I am grieving. 

I had written my thoughts on June 15th after we found out about the miscarriage. I am glad I wrote them even though I kept them to myself.  

Dear baby #3,

We all came to see you yesterday. You were only supposed to be size of a grape but we were all excited to see you. Saku thought it was cool to see you on the x ray machine (as he called it).

As usual, we had to wait a long time but your siblings were great about hanging out at the waiting area. 

I had told Isi tha Dr. Farias was running an hour late so he should come later so he didnt waste time sitting around at the office.

It was finally time to go to the room and we got ready for our big viewing. Isi wasn't quite there yet. Your siblings were being monkeys but overall good. Then we got a shot at you and I immediately knew that something wasn't right. Dr. Farias measured you and you measured 8 wks and 3 days where as you should have been 9 wks and 2 days. I could also tell that there was no heart beat. Dr. Farias was very calm and kept looking around things. It looked like you had started out with a sibling who never developed as there were two sacs in the uterus. She kept focusing on the other sac without saying anything and then went to find another doctor to look at you. It was surreal to be there. I was calm because the kids were there. And I knew that the doctor would come and confirm what Dr. Farias hadnt said yet, that there was no heart beat.

When I saw Isi walk in and he was happy and excited to see your big brother and sister, I started to cry. I am sure that surprised him since no one expects to come to an ultrasound and get the bad news. I had worried that something might go wrong, but I didnt really think that something would go wrong. You want to think that your body is invincible. 

I know when I looked at you on the screen that you were just a little blob; however, you are more to me. I hope Heavenly Father lets me be your mom and get to know you one day. You were my January baby. I hadn't decided if I wanted to know if you are a boy or a girl. I had been so grateful about the pregnancy even though it had left me exhausted. We hadnt told many people about you. And I wasn't on planning on telling for weeks so you were my happy little secret. 

Your brother Saku was very sad about losing you last night. He is a sweet boy. He thinks he should call you spiderman. I think it sounds great. 

Heavenly Father looks out for us. Yesterday I had several promptings that I should pray for comfort no matter what happened with the ultrasound. A similar thing happened when äiti died. I might not be the best about praying always but Heavenly Father has mercy to let me know when I need his extra comfort.

Dr. Farias was so kind to remind me that it was nothing I did. I worry that I worked a night shift last week and my body was so exhausted after it. Of course I did that throughout Eerika's pregnancy and as Isi reminded me, "now we have a crazy two year old".

I am sad about losing you. I am frustrated to be back in the "not pregnant" status. I feel like I had put in those early pregnancy weeks and now they are all for nothing. It is sad to pray that I will miscarry on my own quickly. It is little scary to wait for the bleeding and wonder if there is pain. Now I worry for the following pregnancies. It will be more difficult to have faith in my body. I know it sounds dramatic since I have had two healthy and beautiful kids, but I feel very shaken by this. 

Dear baby#3, while many people dont know even know about you. While to many people, it might not seem that significant to lose a baby who is so little, you are very significant to me. You are loved. I want to think that Pirki mummi is taking care of your spirit and you get to look down at our family and see the love we have for you. 

I am constantly reminded that because something is hard doesn't mean that it is bad or unhappy. I really struggle with this now, but it doesnt mean I am unhappy. It reminds me that our lives don't need to be perfect to be happy. I am grateful for this lesson. 

And now Saku wants to do play dough. So I will concentrate on that. My body grew this amazing boy. I believe it can grow another child as well. I just have no idea how long I will have to wait. And that sucks.