Life is Hard Work

Last night I had a conversation with Starla about the reality of motherhood and life in general. How some want to paint it as this picture perfect thing. I might be at times guilty of it as well as there are moments in motherhood and life that feel picture perfect. The moment when you hold your baby for the first time. The moment when you watch your kids asleep. The moment when you watch them be kind to each other. 

But right now I feel frazzled. I feel sleep deprived. I feel more gushy and rolly in my middle that I would like. I feel less patient and more nagging. I try to navigate the balancing of my time, affection and energy between four very special people in my house. I feel like I have downgraded from the fun mom to a surviving mom since Aleksi was born. And a bit like a downgrade from a easy going wife to a "I look like I am about to have a mental breakdown" at times.

It is not a bad thing. Or so I try to convince myself. I love this little happy face that has charmed us all. I love his delightful squeals and the pure innocence that he brings.  He also brings a lot work. And sometimes I think we are afraid to admit it. If I say that being a mom is hard and exhausting, does it mean that I don't enjoy it and I am not grateful for it? 

I love snuggling my baby and there are many times that my heart is so full of gratitude as I hold him close in the dark. But I also feel gratitude when he feels sleeps for four to five hours and my brain doesn't feel so cloudy. 

I love the funny conversations and the amazing way that Eerika and Saku use their brains. They also have figured out how to talk back to me and I need to deal with some intentional or unintentional rudeness.  I love how they will go and play together and disappear into their pretend world where there is no need for me. And I want to scream when I hear them picker about "she is copying me" and  Eerika responding  "when I grow up, I will always follow Saku" just because she knows that it bugs me. 

I am proud of Troy and his work accomplishments but with those accomplishments come more responsibility and more stress and more time away from home. That is hard. I am grateful to be serving in the Primary as a secretary but there are times when it overwhelms me. 

I posted a picture of Aleksi and the back of Eerika's head from our run yesterday. I pushed them for 1.4 miles. In my running experience, it is nothing compared to what I have done, but I worked for every second of it. I huffed and puffed and my legs burned. Few generous friends left kind words praising me. I felt a bit phony since it was only 1.4 miles. Yet I went out there and I worked for it.

I guess I just want to say that hard work doesn't exclude happiness or feeling accomplishment.

If I relate it to my running, my two marathon training cycles have been hard and running each marathon was so exhausting, but I would never say "oh I am not a good runner because running is hard".

So I am not going to say "oh I am not a good mother because being a mother is hard" or "I am not a good wife because I need to work on being more kind, patient etc".

And now I'm off to being a better at keeping my house clean...or I might just tickle my baby. Somehow I still want to tickle and snuggle him after a rough night of stuffy nose and waking up about every hour.

See my life is picture perfect:)