What About Me?

It's Friday afternoon and the house is quiet. Eerika is sleeping and Saku is watching Baby Einstein The house is way too hot for my liking and it adds to my anxious feeling. Since Eerika has been sick since Saturday night, I haven't had too much sleep which obviously means that I am more tired than usual. And the "usual" state is already being tired since I haven't gotten more than six hours in a row for three months now. The weather has really warmed up, which means that it is hot! This makes it very difficult for me to go running when Troy gets home since I am already tired and it just feels way too hot. Plus when I go running in the evening, dinner and bed time just seems to rushed.

Until our trip to Utah, I had been working out very consistently and I felt great. Yes, it was so nice to see few pounds come off, but more so, I felt strong and happy. I was doing something for myself. When I ran a fast 3 mile run and finished without slowing down, I felt powerful. I haven't run since a hill workout that I did on Saturday morning. This is making me feel nasty and lazy and "fat". Yes, I know that I just had a baby and I can't expect to look fabulous, but I want to feel good in my own body. I keep reading running blogs and my magazines and I want to feel strong and fast and not exhausted. Or I want to feel exhausted because I ran 5 miles, not just because I got through another day.

I'm happy that we were able to go to Utah, but let's be honest, often a vacation is not that much of a vacation for a mom. You still do all the same stuff that you would do at home except you are at someone else's house or hotel which means that you need to worry about something breaking or your kid being bored because there are no toys and you are sharing a room with your kid, which is not my cup of tea. I am NOT ungrateful for the chance to see family, but the trip left me exhausted.

I felt have more frustrated and annoyed in the last week than in a very long time. Even when I was trying to adjust to having two kids, I was just overwhelmed, but not frustrated. I keep having this feeling of "what about me" and while it might sound so selfish, I can't shake off the feeling. I know that is my role as a mother is to take care of my kids and as a wife, I need to take care of the house and be supportive of Troy.

Let me be clear though. I wouldn't want to do anything else than being a mom to Saku and Eerika. I don't want to be working full time or even part time. I firmly believe and feel that what I'm doing right now is the most important thing and I am willing to make sacrifices to be a good mom to them. However, if I am burned out, I can't be the mom that I want and need to be. What do you do when you start feeling the burn out?And I obviously I am not the wife of the year when I feel like this.

I am not unhappy. Actually at this moment, I feel very content. It is Friday and Troy is coming home soon. He got a nice raise, which never hurts. I enjoyed fun few hours of chatting with friends this morning as we ate breakfast together and our kids tore my house apart:) I took Saku to Target to play with toys and he actually even got one to take home with him. I smile when I think of Eerika nursing at night and how she sleepily eats and cuddles me. Or how she giggled for the first time few days ago. I love how Saku demands a kiss from me when he gets even a small "owie" . I love to see how fast Saku is learning and the things that he says.

I just need to find a way to give myself some time that doesn't involve anyone else's need or want.