Grieving

Grief is such a monster. It comes and goes when it wants to. No one else can see it. It makes you feel lonely. It makes you feel angry. It makes you feel sad. It makes you feel guilty for feeling so much negative things when you have so much to be grateful for. And then it just lets you feel normal for a moment. And then you feel guilty for not being sad. You wonder if there is something wrong with you when you not constantly grieving for your loss. 

How do you grieve for something you didn't really get to have? When my mom died, it was a concrete loss. I didn't have a mom on earth anymore. I could think of all the memories and all the things that I would miss about her. I could think of all of the events that she would miss in the future and mourn them. And I still mourn them. The loss has lost its sharp edge, but it is not gone. It is a frequent reminder of the things, the relationship that I don't get to have with her in this life.

I think of the babies that we don't get to raise in this life. The first loss didn't hit so hard. It was earlier in the pregnancy and we got another chance of being pregnant soon. I had few days of feeling hopelessness and wondering if I could have more kids.  Since the first ultrasound showed no heart beat, I never got to become so attached to the baby. 

This time around, we had two healthy ultrasounds. I saw the baby's little leg kick around. And then I went for the third check up and there wasn't any movement. Just the silhouette of the little dead baby. 

You are just filled with unbelief. You know exactly what to expect when you go to the hospital. The nurses feel terrible for you as they realize that you have been there frequently for the exact same thing. You just wondering if this will become a pattern. You know it is part of a greater plan and you believe in it with all your heart, but why couldn't I have these babies. 

Now I have two dates of when I was supposed to be a mother again. First in January and then in May. 

I still look pregnant. Obviously not huge because I wasn't that far long but I look pregnant.

I have these two beautiful children at home. I am so grateful for them. I am trying to focus on them instead of worrying so much about the future children.