"How Are You Feeling?"

A week before Christmas our door bell rang around 7:30 pm and I assumed that it was a Christmas cookie delivery. When I opened the door, our relief society president was standing there with a bouquet of tulips. I don't know if I looked surprised, but she quickly told me that she had heard (that day) that we had recently gone through some hard things and she wanted to me to know that she cared. And then she asked "how are you doing?"

She was referring to the miscarriage in November. And as she asked me how I was doing, I felt fine and happy. I almost felt stupid to be so okay with the fact that we had lost our baby. 

Then few days later we got a Christmas card that announced that a friend was having a baby in July. It sort of felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. It is a sudden feeling of pain when I think "they get to have a baby" and I think how you was supposed to have a baby in January and June. 

And then I go on and life is good. Life is so good. I enjoy our kids and think of what a sweet spot this age is. We have no serious school schedules to worry about. The kids play independently for hours at a time. I even think of the things we could do with "just" two kids. We could travel so much. I might go to back to school sooner. And I think it isn't so bad.

Until I see a friend who is 37 weeks along with a mid January due date. I was supposed to be huge now. I should be thinking "okay two or three more weeks".  Or I look at another friend who isn't showing yet but will find out the gender of their baby soon and I am thinking "I would be having the BIG ultrasound right after Christmas".

But that isn't the plan. After being pregnant twice in six months, I am not pregnant now. And most of the time, I deal with it well. But there are times when it really digs in my heart. When I have to fight the moment of feeling a bit bitter over someone's else happy pregnancy.  And when I want to cry and pray that I could be happy for other people. Suddenly the idea of having more kids isn't a certainty in my mind. I believe and hope that we will have more kids, but I don't have the same perspective about it as I had before. 

I am grateful for Regina, my sister-in-law, who made a comment the other night about how she likes having her kids spaced out.  It gave me a glimpse of perspective to remember that if my kids are not spaced within two to three years as I had "planned", it will be okay. 

So when someone asks me "how are you feeling", I can only really say "I am fine until I am not".